August 1, 2017
Remember when I mentioned I was going to bring a little more personal to the blog? Well, today’s the day, friends, and I’m blowing those doors wide open. Warning: This is going to be a long one, packed full of more vulnerability than I’m even a little bit comfortable with.
If we’re friends on Instagram (and if we aren’t, we definitely should be!), you know that four months ago, my world was rocked when we brought home our sweet baby girl. (I’m going to be sharing a lot more about her birth and our adoption story so soon! But you know I can’t resist sharing at least one sweet picture today.)
The past four months have been so full and have gone by SO quickly. It’s been such a flood of bittersweet emotions to celebrate each little milestone, and to think of all the ones still to come. She is more alert and more responsive by the day, and I find myself craving more time to spend with her.
I also find myself longing to get back to the work that has fulfilled me for so long. Four months ago, my entire life changed…and quickly. In a lot of ways, I had years to prepare. But after 11 years of praying, wishing, and hoping for a baby, I began to truly wonder if it was meant to be. And so, even though we were continuing down the path of becoming a family of three, I began to comfortably settle into life as it was – just Cliff and me, living our life pretty much without time restrictions.
When I finally found out we were having a baby, I didn’t have nine months to prepare my home and mind. I had three. I didn’t have nine months for my body to prepare to care for and nurture a baby and to adjust to lack of sleep. I was thrust into mommyhood in what sometimes seems like overnight. And while I wouldn’t change it for the world, it definitely has not always been easy.
In this season I am working from home more than from the CSE studio. That means most days I am working with her by my side, needing me all day to meet her needs and demands. Even when she’s napping and it seems like I should be able to get some work done, there is a party of me always on high alert listening for her to wake up or making sure she’s breathing and safe.
It feels like I’m never truly present in any one area of life anymore. Some women go through postpartum depressing after having a baby, and while I know I don’t have those hormones involved, it has, at times, been an extremely difficult adjustment for me. It has been so hard to find the balance between work and life and being a Momma. But what I’ve come to realize is that I’m not really “balancing” it at all.
What I’ve been doing is trying to be the old version of myself who worked all the time and making the new Mommy version of myself fit into that mold. And, well, it just hasn’t been working. At all.
There’s the pre-baby side of me who worked all the time and ran a successful business. I really, really like to work. I feel energized and happy when I am working hard, setting goals and seeing results. I come alive and thrive in that kind of environment.
Then there’s the new Momma side of me, who isn’t sure about much of anything at all. There’s no constant, no structure or routine, and it doesn’t fit into a mold that makes my day run “smoothly and efficiently,” which is just how I like my days to run. But this baby girl is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When she smiles at me, my heart melts. When she falls asleep in my arms, I’m certain there’s never going to be a better feeling in the world.
It’s been a hard transition to go from working all the time to barely being able to find the time to fit it in, all while wanting nothing more than to spend every hour snuggling and soaking in these fleeting moments with her. I simultaneously feel like I need to give her more, be more for her, and struggle with feeling frustrated when I have to stop mid-email or project to tend to this tiny little human who needs me for literally everything.
Clear as mud, right? I’m working hard to figure out who I am in this new season, what that looks like, and how it works. It’s so confusing, but in so many ways, it also feels like coming home.
I struggle so much with finding myself in this new life. So much change has happened in such a short amount of time and, quite honestly, I’m not sure who I am in all of it sometimes.
My desire to work, my passion for what I do, it’s all still there. But it’s no longer what gets me out of bed in the morning. I was working ALL the time, and now when she needs me (which is pretty much all day long), I drop it all to meet those needs. Which leas to the struggle and worry that if I don’t “get back to business” and work the way I was before, that this business I’ve worked so hard to build over the years will start to collapse.
I’m having to constantly remind myself that just because my priorities have changed doesn’t mean I’ve lost what I had – or who I was – before. It’s all just fallen into place behind the overwhelming love I have for my sweet little girl. It’s taken me four months to realize that this doesn’t mean things are collapsing; it simply means things are changing.
I haven’t lost myself. I haven’t forgotten how to set goals and hustle. That part of me is still very much there, it just isn’t the complete focus of my life anymore.
I’m having to change the way I think about and use my time. It’s not all about work anymore. Most of my time is now consumed with the sweetest little 13 pound chunk of love I have ever known. I want to be the very best Momma to her that I can be, but I also want to continue to build my business and serve my sweet couples with love, focus, and passion. I want to make life happen on purpose instead of letting life happen to me and letting the days go by leaving me feeling frustrated, unaccomplished, and run down.
The truth of it is, I am in a season of transition, of figuring out what life looks like now, and who I am in the midst of it all. My sweet brides have been so full of love, support, and grace during these past several months, and it has made me even more grateful for this industry and the relationships and friendships I have made in it.
Life is can be hard sometimes, friends, and we just aren’t meant to do it alone. And the truth of it is, I have felt so alone during this time. I’ve spent more time over the past several years stressing about curating an “on brand” image than I have in showing my personality, being vulnerable, and creating meaningful relationships (whether online or in person).
It’s time for that to stop.
As I’m learning the ropes of navigating and embracing a new season of motherhood and business, I want to be more vulnerable and transparent than I have ever been. I’m ready to step into this new season and embrace it with open arms, whatever it may bring. Here’s to being open and vulnerable and to change, friends – the messy, hard, and beautiful change.
Navigating and Embracing a New Season of Motherhood and Business | Wedding Planners Birmingham, Alabama
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